I’m sure she’s right. It’s not ADD. It is learned patterns of behavior. Practiced patterns. Habituated. My depression and my mania are also habituated and I don’t know how to break the cycle. Too many coincidences make it so easy to fall back on old habits–not so very old habits. Actually only recently set aside habits, but habits too ingrained to fight off.
I don’t think this is something that meds can help. Not that they’re not helping. I think that they are. But there’s the biological system and the psychological system and right now the psychological system is winning the battle. I’m not so sure today that the biological system will survive.
The last two weeks have been too familiar, with the ups and downs, the mixed states where I’m depressed and driven all at the same time. My grief over Oscar’s death is too much. Everything is coming back, including my walls. I remember things that I don’t want to remember. I’m grieving for things long past. It’s all welling up and there’s no place for it to go. The walls are rebuilding themselves and I don’t know how to stop that either. I want to give up. I want so very badly to give up. But I don’t know how. Surviving is just another habit and habits are so hard to break.
So tomorrow I will get up and I will do what I need to do to survive, whether I want to or not.
I have this fear that this is all I have now– my habits. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. I can’t escape the cycle of life. This morning’s dream still haunts me. So much loss, and it was as though no matter what I did I caused it. Any decision I made led to the destruction of someone or something I loved, and it was killing me.
Fuck it. I hate this. I’m sick of –of what? Everything! I’m sick of it all.
I’m sick of caring so much. I’m sick of being the person I’ve built up. I just want to be free. I want to be me. I don’t know what I want or what I need. I only know I don’t have it and that I’m dying without it. I don’t want to look weak or confused or afraid or vulnerable or unsure. I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want to have to depend on someone else. But i don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to isolate myself. I want to belong.
