I’m currently reading The Pilgrimage, Paulo Coelho’s book which paved the way to The Alchemist. This was the last sentence I read, as I was headed to bed last night:
I really, really believe this. I think we know, deep down in that quiet place, which road is best for us.
It seems that I left my own “best road” a long time ago without even realizing it, and believe that I have only returned to it over the course of the past few months. I still struggle against the inevitable pull toward that path which I traveled for so long, the path which, though it wasn’t my best path, seemed the easiest to follow at the time.
It’s easy to stray from my best path because it is still so unfamiliar, and there are distractions, or I get lazy. But mostly, I stray from the path when I become fearful…. Fearful that my dreams aren’t realistic or that they’re childish or selfish, that I might never achieve them no matter how hard I try, or that, in reaching for my dreams I might hurt the ones I love.
Despite all of this, I genuinely believe that our best paths are really much clearer, and safer (certainly for our sanity) than we imagine. I believe it will become easier to follow the best path as I learn to not struggle so much against myself and as I come to trust myself more.
What I’ve found as I navigate through and around all of my current doubts (“Am I really a lesbian?”, “How could I be a lesbian when I’ve never loved a woman (which I’ve discovered isn’t really true–I just didn’t recognize it for what it was)?”, “How could I be a lesbian when I’ve never made love to a woman (did I wonder whether I was straight before I had sex with a man?)?”, “How could I be a lesbian and never have even thought about it?”, “If I come out as a lesbian what will happen?”, and most recently, “Are the things I am coming to realize I want from a relationship with another person realistic?”, “Will I ever find someone who loves me just the way I am; knows me, truly, and loves me just the same–or perhaps even more for it?”, “Can I find someone for whom I would feel the same?”, and all of those other worries that sometimes make me question where I am and what I’m doing), is that there is a path that, when I am on it, makes me feel whole. It is my authentic path, and I know it. Frankly, I don’t know where it’s going to lead me or what I will pass through or experience. Letting go of all those questions, or rather–divesting myself of those questions and their inevitable expectations–and simply pursuing my truth is leading me toward my dream of being the authentic me, whoever I happen to be. It takes a lot of weight off, really. It gives me the courage to do the things I’m doing these days without worrying that I’m committing to something that might not end up being “my way”. It sounds hedonistic–and it’s certainly the most hedonistic thing I’ve ever done–but I’m doing what makes me happy–genuinely happy.
I follow the wholeness as best I can, knowing that it is my best path, and trying not to stand in my own way. And when I stumble or stray (which happens a lot–I’m like a toddler just learning to walk!), if I stop, it’s as though the wholeness finds me and leads me back to the path. I am generally not at peace as there are so many new places to explore (Coelho has much to say about that, too–for instance, “When we renounce our dreams and find peace…we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and infect our entire being.”); but I have something now which I haven’t had in my entire adult life and it is a beautiful thing. As I said to Michelle, and told a friend yesterday, it’s as though I am chasing a unicorn–something I’ve never seen, or at best have only caught glimpses of, but which I believe in just the same.
